You’re married, yet you feel alone and lonely. You thought marriage would involve companionship and connection; instead, you’re living with loneliness and isolation. Feeling alone in a marriage isn’t one of the topics covered in the premarital counseling classes I took – but it should have been! I’ve been married for 15 years, and am still learning that being lonely is sometimes part of marriage.
I wrote What to Remember When You Miss Your Husband when my husband was away on a business trip (in fact, he’s working in Mexico right now!). That article addressed the physical sense of loneliness, of feeling bored and lonely at home because my husband was away. It was about missing the companionship of a spouse who was expected to come home in the near future.
This article is different. This is about the emotional loneliness, the psychological feeling of being lonely and unconnected when your husband or wife is sitting right next to you. That kind of loneliness is more painful than the loneliness of missing someone who is physically absent. That emotional loneliness is sadder and harder to bear because you feel disconnected and misunderstood. My tips won’t erase the loneliness you feel in your marriage, but they might help you find ways to feel less alone in the world
A reader’s comment inspired me to share these ideas. “I have always felt alone, unloved by my husband,” said Verna on How to Be Happy Without Your Husband’s Love. I don’t know why I married him. He doesn’t love or support me in any way, though he never stops or discourages me from doing anything. Sometimes I feel like we are just cordial roommates. He will go out of his way to assist anyone except me. I never know what he does with his money, he has huge debts that he has made while we were together but I never saw the money or what he did with it. Every time I tell him I feel lonely in our marriage, he either ignores me or says I’m insecure. I am so lonely and lost.”
Do you feel the same way she does – lonely in your marriage, lost, insecure, disappointed? Maybe you got married thinking your life would be more complete and fulfilling. Instead, you find yourself coping with loneliness you didn’t even know was possible when you were single. Feeling alone in your marriage is worse than feeling alone when you’re single.
6 Tips for Coping With Being Married and Lonely
“In some marriages, trying harder does not engender a reciprocal response,” writes Leslie Vernick in The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope. “It has the opposite effect. It feeds the fantasy that the sole purpose of your life is to serve your husband, make him happy, and meet his every need. It feeds his belief of entitlement and his selfishness, and it solidifies his self-deception that it is indeed all about him.”
I also quoted Vernick in How to Deal With a Husband Who Complains About Your Clothes. If you’re lonely because your spouse is critical and judgmental, you’ll find that article helpful. Vernick sees to the heart of marriage problems, and clearly describes how to identify damaging behaviors. Her books are easy to read and applicable to all relationships. Remember that feeling alone even though you’re married is emotionally destructive. That’s why a book like Vernick’s is a healthy way to cope with loneliness in relationships.
1. Learn how to apply ASLAN to your marriage
The big lesson I’m learning in my life right now is accepting circ*mstances and people the way they are. I practice Aslan, which stands for Acceptance, Surrender, Live And Know this is the way it’s supposed to be. Accepting my life and surrendering to what is right now frees my energy. Accepting the loneliness in my marriage motivates and strengthens me to live fully, knowing things won’t always be this way.
Does this idea make sense to you? In other words, fighting your loneliness or wishing you didn’t feel lonely in your marriage is a waste of energy. You can’t change anything by wishing it wasn’t so, or even regretting you got married in the first place! Instead of resisting your loneliness or wishing things were different, accept and surrender to this relationship. Use the energy that has been freed up to live differently and start making changes in your life.
2. Acknowledge what you wish your husband could give you
What role does your husband play in your feelings of being married and alone? Some husbands are completely oblivious to their wives’ needs the because wives haven’t said anything, asked for anything, or set healthy boundaries. Other husbands are emotionally unhealthy or even abusive. Most husbands are in the middle: regular guys who are living their lives. Some care deeply about their wives’ happiness, while others are more focused on work, hobbies, possessions.
Do you want your husband to support you, spend more time with you, talk to you, or accompany you to events? Get clear in your own mind what you want from your marriage. What will help you feel connected and understood? Coping with when you feel alone in your marriage means you need to do some heavy lifting. Think about what you want and if your husband can give it to you. Your husband may not be able to give you everything you need, but you need to be clear on what you want.
If you simply want more time with him, read What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You.
3. Cope with your loneliness in healthy ways
What role do you play in your loneliness? Feeling connected, healthy, and fulfilled isn’t just about a happy marriage. Your husband can’t make you happy, nor is he responsible for making sure you never feel alone or unloved. You have to find internal joy and peace that will carry you through all situations, no matter how lonely your marriage is.
In 6 Signs Your Marriage is Over, I encourage readers to take care of their own emotional and social needs. If you’re married and alone, create a life outside of your marriage. Take responsibility for your own actions, activities, friendships, health, and future plans. Maybe your husband will be part of your new life, or maybe not. You can’t control him, nor can you force him to be around when you feel lonely. But you can control your own responses, thoughts, and choices. This where the typical “get a life” advice comes in: make friends by doing volunteer work, joining book clubs or hiking groups, joining a church or spiritual organization, or taking continuing education classes. Challenge yourself by pursuing a different career or going back to school.
4. Realize that “married yetalone” often go hand in hand
Hollywood movies and romance books have created expectations that are not real. Worse, they’re destructive! We see movies where beautiful couples have amazing relationships and exciting marriages. We don’t see the lonely parts of being married – unless, of course, the husband is an explorer or an astronaut. Then we know a happy ending is coming.
What do you expect from your marriage – and your husband? It’s normal and even healthy to feel lonely sometimes. Even when you’re married. Even when you’re surrounded by people, family, friends! Loneliness is just part of who we are.
We’re not lonely for more of each other, we’re lonely for more God. That divine spark of power, love, joy and light is what we hunger for…and what we can’t get enough of. We think we’re lonely for romantic love, but we’re really yearning for the presence of God.
5. Learn how to give yourself what you need
Your past – even a years-ago childhood – affects how lonely you feel in your marriage today. So does mine. My mom has schizophrenia; I grew up in foster homes. I didn’t realize how lonely and neglected I was until I was in my late 20s, when I met my dad for the first time. As an adult, I learned that I have to give myself the encouragement, love, support, and compassion I need. I love my husband, but nobody can fill my emotional needs the way I need.
A husband can’t fill all your emotional and spiritual needs. He might not even be able to fill your physical or social needs! It’s not fair to expect him to make you whole or happy. Learn how to cope with loneliness in marriage by finding fulfillment and meaning in something that can never die, betray you, or get lost. Find your inner self, that true you who can rest in the peace, joy and love of God. That is your true self, and she never gets lonely.
6. Learn how to sit alone happily and enjoy your own company
Do you like who you are? Can you be alone with yourself for a few hours, and not feel lonely or bored or even crazy? If you can’t be alone happily, you’ll always struggle with loneliness in your relationships. Your companionship and connection has to come from within because people can’t meet your spiritual or emotional yearnings. It’s impossible.
On 5 Ways to Stop Feeling Alone in Your Marriage,a reader said that she can’t be alone. She isn’t comfortable being alone because she feels uncertain and lost. She hasn’t found herself, her self-identity, her self-confidence. She hasn’t learned to enjoy her own company. More importantly, she hasn’t learned how to take care of her own needs. She’s setting herself – and her future husband – up for problems because she expects too much from relationships.
Can you go to restaurants, movies, art galleries, parties by yourself? What about travel, or even day trips? Learn how to be happy without feeling lonely. This won’t just help ease the loneliness in your marriage, it will make you a happier, more peaceful person. You’ll be a joy to be around, for both you and others.
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44 thoughts on “6 Ways to Cope With a Lonely Marriage”
David KieferMarch 30, 2024 at 3:24 pm
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This is great advice. How do you get your physical needs met?
Also, like someone pointed below. This advice is for women. What about for the husband? I’m a husband and I feel alone in my marriage.LaurieMarch 31, 2024 at 5:53 am
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I’m really glad you found some value in my post, David, and I appreciate you reaching out.
Getting your physical needs met in a marriage where you’re feeling lonely is definitely a complex issue. The solution can vary greatly from relationship to relationship. It’s crucial to have open and honest communication with your wife about your needs and desires, including those of a physical nature. This might involve having a candid conversation about intimacy, exploring ways to reconnect emotionally and physically, and perhaps even seeking support from a couples therapist if necessary. Remember, communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to addressing sensitive topics like this.
As for your point about the advice being geared towards women, I totally understand where you’re coming from. Loneliness in a marriage isn’t exclusive to any one gender, and husbands can absolutely feel isolated and disconnected too. In fact, it’s something that many men struggle with but may not always feel comfortable discussing openly. So, thank you for sharing your perspective.
In terms of advice specifically tailored for husbands in similar situations, many of the strategies I mentioned in my post can still apply. Encouraging open communication, prioritizing quality time together, and actively working towards strengthening the emotional bond between you and your wife are all steps that can help bridge the gap and foster a deeper connection.
In some marriages – like mine – a deeper connection simply isn’t possible. That’s when the really hard decisions need to be considered. I left my unhappy, lonely marriage because my only other option was to stay stuck. It was the hardest the decision I ever made, but I know it’s the right one.
I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.
Laurie
DonnaMay 12, 2022 at 4:46 pm
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Looking forward to weekly worda of encouagwment
RobertDecember 13, 2021 at 7:17 pm
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All this advice it for women. If you a man a guess suck it up you usually the problem? All your advice paints a picture of the husband as the problem. So where do we males go?
Rebecca JNovember 20, 2022 at 10:31 am
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Same thing, get a life
Kelly WrightNovember 20, 2022 at 4:41 pm
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You can stay here Robert. I think it’s more common for it to be women and women are also more likely to seek help. But I don’t think this is only meant for women, this site.
AnonymousAugust 21, 2021 at 11:45 am
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I’m a guy and it seems like I could fill a book with stories. I’ll try to cut it short. I grew up in an very abusive household. Fortunately I had a brother so we walked and talked about all this a lot. That helped some. But I grew up very shy and introverted. Also, It didn’t help that even though I tried hard to be a good person I was continually misunderstood and suspected by other people. I couldn’t figure that out. But I was very lonely.
I met this woman at work. She said that she used to cry in the street while being married. I could relate and felt that finally, here was someone who could understand. I wanted to liberate her from her using, loveless marriage (according to her). Yet I felt terribly guilty for the husband too. He seemed to still want her. As usual, I didn’t really know what to do, but finally we ended up with her leaving her husband and getting married by a justice of the peace.
Yet something felt wrong. Except for her cat, she disliked animals. I had an old dog that I was very close to, almost like a brother, since he loved and accepted me unconditionally. She though made me feel like she wanted him out of the picture. Or at the least, didn’t care about him. She also almost never reciprocated either whenever I did something or made something for her, which was often. Always took the other side, almost never supportive in disputes, like the neighbor at one place who liked blatantly looking in our windows. Seemed very obsessive/compulsive where everything had to be exact. Man! She also (and still does after more than 20 years) say that she is always exhausted. So it was hard, but possible at first (though now currently impossible) to get her to do anything or go anywhere with me, to even get out of her chair. Over the years I felt like I could really use her momentary help with some project but she’s always (as far as I remember) refused. She is a Youtube aficionado and spends all her time at home viewing and laughing at it in her room right into the wee hours, 3 or 4 in the morning. Every single night. I used to ask her if maybe we should see a counselor, but she always refused.
About 1/2 way through our “marriage” she became verbally abusive of me. I am not totally innocent here as I used to complain to her about her weird behavior. Finally I stopped since it wasn’t doing anything except making her madder. But she got more indifferent and angry. Became unfaithful to me too. I won’t get into that. But it seems like everything is about her while she likes to make me feel like I’m only 2″ tall. She works at the post office and makes much more money than I do, which she’s often reminded me of. I work as a gardener. I was making enough, but it was never enough and she’s often told me that I’m just a user. I fixed up the houses we moved to and bought and later sold over the years. Finally after asking, we decided that I could have the difference that the houses sold for since I improved them and I put that in stocks. They for a long time did nothing, then after moving them around finally started to go up. I offered that to her, maybe $150,000 at the time, to make up for any money she’s spent on me over the years but still she didn’t care. She could take it or leave it.
So basically I we can’t really stand each other but live together because it’s convenient. I with gardening am not making enough to afford to move out, but I do a lot of the chores besides gardening. I’d like to move, but not only am I not making enough, I also have become even more introverted than I used to be. So it’s a catch 22, damned if I do, damned if I don’t, impossible situation. I’m getting by one day at a time. If I get through that day I set my sights on getting by the next, always hoping that things will improve somehow. I’ve hiked a lot through the years and physically am in good shape, but mentally, no, not so much. Since I’m indecisive as ever does anyone else have any possibly helpful thoughts?
Rebecca JNovember 20, 2022 at 10:33 am
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She needs to go buddy
KellyNovember 20, 2022 at 1:31 pm
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wow…. your relationship makes me sad…. some of it feels very familiar. I’m so very sorry how she has treated you. I know we cannot change people, they can only change themselves. But first she would have to recognize a problem and accept that it’s her and her responsibility to change it. If we cannot admit to something, it for sure will not change. Possibly why she says no to counseling. I’m an animal lover and how she treats your doggie would say everything to me! You didn’t really say much about the beginning of your relationship. You spoke of wanting to liberate or save her from her other marriage. That is never a way to start a new relationship. We cannot save people from their circ*mstances. Did you date? fall in love? or was it all just sort of a rescue operation? It’s very hard these days to divorce, so expensive and such…. I think you can just work on you…. do your thing and follow your interests. If she does not want to join you, it’s her loss. I also feel the phones and internet have destroyed us…. such time wasters they are…. I love that you work with your hands and garden and fix things up…. so healthy for your mind in my opinion. you seem to be a natural outdoor person.
CarolMay 14, 2021 at 8:32 am
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So nice to read an article like this and read all the comments that I can relate to. I’ve been married for almost 15 years. I though I married the love of my life and we had wonderful years together; but now I am getting marriage consultation, alone, because he doesn’t want to participate. His indifference, coldness and no interest in intimacy irritated me so much; I was feeling extremely lonely and angry at him and deeply disappointed. I make more money and spend way less than him; financially I don’t need him to support me. I feel good about myself and feel loved by my son, my family and even his family, and my friends; emotionally I don’t need his love to prove I am worth to be loved.
However, through this painful journey, I realized that I am so lucky to have so many good things and people in my life; I realized that I can do so much more for myself and others; I realized that I have a choice and have power to change. A couple of days ago, I wrote him a long email explaining my thoughts on our marriage and what went wrong since he seems not able to engage a verbal conversation. I will continue to tell him in writing what I want from a marriage. Will this work? Will he actually read? I don’t know. We will see. He needs to change for our marriage to continue; I will change too.
It is ok to have unpleasant moments in a relationship. It is NOT ok to consistently feel lonely in a marriage. I am worth it. I hope you all feel the same and better. If we don’t like things in a certain way, do everything in your power to change it.
Tags:boyfriends alone timeemotional disconnectionfeeling alone in a relationshiphow to be happy alonelonely in marriagelonely peoplesurviving unhappy marriage
